Tell Jokes!

The teacher asked, "Class use the word contagious in a sentence."

Molly put her hand up and said, My little sister has chickenpox and they are contagious.
The teacher said, "Very good Molly."

Sally raised her hand and said, "My little brother has the mumps and they are contagious".
The teacher said, "Very good Sally."

Little Johnny was jumping around in his seat, hand raise in the air, waving back and forth. The teacher had been stung with Johnny's remarks before and was very reluctant to let him speak.

Unfortunately he was the only other child in the class with his hand up. So the teacher thought she better give him a chance.

"OK Johnny, give me a sentence with the word contagious in it"

Johnny was all excited that he was given a chance. He said, "Teacher my dad was sitting in the lawn chair with his friend drinking beer. My mom was cutting the lawn. Dad said to his friend "It's going to take that contagious to cut the lawn.

Johnny was expelled the next day.

I met an older woman at a bar last night.

She wasn't bad for 57, we drank and bullsh*tted a bit, then she asked if I 'd ever had a mother and daughter threesome?

I said no.

We drank a bit more, then she says that tonight was my lucky night.

I went back to her place.

She put the hall light on and shouted upstairs:

"Mom you still awake?"

bloke got his brand new R32 out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he floored it to 120 mph, enjoying the pulling power and noise. "Amazing," he thought as he flew down M1, pushing the pedal even more. Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw the coppers behind him, blue lights
flashing and siren blaring.

He floored it to 130mph, then 140, then 150. Suddenly he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this," and pulled over to await the copper's arrival.

Pulling in behind him, the copper, looked at his watch and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes.
Today is Friday.

If you can give me a reason for speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."

The bloke paused. Then said, "Years ago, my wife ran off with a motorway patrolman. I thought you were bringing her back."

"Have a good day, Sir," replied the copper

A woman has been hospital with a coma for six months. Her husband comes in every day but there has been no improvement from her.

One day, when he has gone home, the nurse is giving her a bed bath. When she washes "down there", the heart monitor starts racing. She calls for the doctor "Come quickly, I think the patient is responding!!" The doctor comes in and she repeats the washing, and sure enough the heart monitor starts to beep quicker. The doctor says "this is fabulous news, I must bring her husband in right away and inform him of the progress".

When the husband comes in, the doctor pulls him aside outside of the room and tells him "We've had some good news today. I don't know quite how to broach this, but we think your wife might benefit from some oral sex". "We've set up the room so that you can have some privacy, and we have the heart monitor outside the room to keep an eye". The husband says "well, okay, if you really think it will help"

He goes into the room and the nurse and doctor watch the heart monitor outside the door. The heart monitor goes "beep… beep… beep…. beepbeepbeepbeepbeepbeep… beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep" Flatline.

The doctor and nurse rush in "What happened, what happened". The husband says "I dunno…….


……I think she choked"

Old people sex:

The husband leans over and asks his wife,

"Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind this very tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."

 "Yes, she says,

"I remember it well."

"OK," he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?"

"Oh Charlie, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!"

A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.  

The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning  on each other for support aided by walking sticks.  Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt and
the old man drops his trousers.

As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming.

Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground. The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.

After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on.  The Policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is. So, as the couple passes, he says to them,

"Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?"

Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply,
"Fifty years ago, that wasn't an electric fence"

saw a funeral today in the local cemetery they where carrying the coffin up and down  round and round, all over the place

 i think they'd lost the plot  

This post has definatly cheered my day up lol!

An old one but worth repeating:

Just imagine sitting in traffic on your way to work and hearing this.

Many Sydney folks DID hear this on the FOX FM morning show in Sydney.
The DJs play a game where they award winners great prizes. The game is
Called "Mate Match". The DJs call someone at work and ask if they are
married or seriously involved with someone. If the contestant answers
"yes", he or she is then asked 3 random yet highly personal questions.
The person is also asked to divulge the name of their partner (with phone number) for verification. If their partner answers those same three questions correctly, they both win the prize.

One particular game, however, several months ago made the Harbour City
drop to its knees with laughter and is possibly the funniest thing you've heard yet.  Anyway, here's how it all went down:

DJ: "Hey! This is Ed on FOX-FM. Have you ever heard of 'Mate Match'?"

Contestant: (laughing) "Yes, I have."

DJ: "Great! Then you know we're giving away a trip to the Gold Coast if you win. What is your name? First only please."

Contestant: "Brian."

DJ: "Brian, are you married or what?"

Brian: (laughing nervously) "Yes, I am married."

DJ: "Thank you. Now, what is your wife's name? First only please."

Brian: "Sara."

DJ: "Is Sara at work, Brian?"

Brian: "She is gonna kill me."

DJ: "Stay with me here, Brian! Is she at work?"

Brian: (laughing) "Yes, she's at work."

DJ: "Okay, first question - when was the last time you had sex?"

Brian: "About 8 o'clock this morning."

DJ: "Atta boy, Brian."

Brian: (laughing sheepishly) "Well…"

DJ: "Question #2 - How long did it last?"

Brian: "About 10 minutes."

DJ: "Wow! You really want that trip, huh? No one would ever have said that if a trip wasn't at stake."

Brian: "Yeah, that trip sure would be nice."

DJ: "Okay. Final question. Where did you have sex at 8 o'clock this morning?

Brian: (laughing hard) "I, ummm, I, well…"

DJ: "This sounds good, Brian. Where was it at?"

Brian: "Not that it was all that great, but her mum is staying with us for a couple of weeks…"

DJ: "Uh huh…"

Brian: "…and the Mother-In-Law was in the shower at the time."

DJ: "Atta boy, Brian."

Brian: "On the kitchen table."

DJ: "Not that great?? That is more adventure than the previous hundred
times I've done it. Okay folks, I will put Brian on hold, get this wife's work number and call her up. You listen to this."

[3 minutes of commercials follow. ]

DJ: "Okay audience; let's call Sara, shall we?"
(touch tones…..ringing….)

Clerk: "Kinkos."

DJ: "Hey, is Sara around there somewhere?"

Clerk: "This is she."

DJ: "Sara, this is Ed with FOX-FM. We are live on the air right now
and I've been talking with Brian for a couple of hours now."

Sara: (laughing) "A couple of hours?"

DJ: "Well, a while now. He is on the line with us.
Brian knows not to give any\answers away or you'll lose. Sooooooo…
do you know the rules of 'Mate Match'?"

Sara: "No."

DJ: "Good!"

Brian: (laughing)

Sara: (laughing) "Brian, what the hell are you up to?"

Brian: (laughing) "Just answer his questions honestly, okay? Be completely honest."

DJ: "Yeah yeah yeah. Sure. Now, I will ask you 3 questions, Sara. If
your answers match Brian's answers, then the both of you will be off
to the Gold Coast for 5 days on us.

Sara: (laughing) "Yes."

DJ: "Alright. When did you last have sex, Sara?"

Sara: "Oh God, Brian….uh, this morning before Brian went to work."

DJ: "What time?"

Sara: "Around 8 this morning."

DJ: "Very good. Next question. How long did it last?"

Sara: "12, 15 minutes maybe."

DJ: "Hmmmm. That's close enough. I am sure she is trying to protect
his manhood. We've got one last question, Sara. You are one question
away from a trip to the Gold Coast. Are you ready?"

Sara: (laughing) "Yes."

DJ: "Where did you have it?"

Sara: "OH MY GOD, BRIAN!! You didn't tell them that did you?"

Brian: "Just tell him, honey."

DJ: "What is bothering you so much, Sara?"

Sara: "Well…"

DJ: Come on Sara….. where did you have it?
 
Sara: "Up the ar$e….."

After a long pause, the DJ said, "Folks, we need to take a station
break"

And the drivers of Sydney almost crashed their cars laughing!

I daren't tell my jokes on here.. i'd get banned  ops:        

just sat and read this whole thread, must admit i dont think ive ever laughed so much  :mrgreen:

And the news room goes silent…..

Thats what I'm talking about…… :wink:

Could have done with another heading…

Eck said

And the news room goes silent…..

Sorry, I just laughed so much, I nearly peed myself!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Just got onto the thread; Eck, you don't know me, but your me new best friend - haven't laughed as much in ages……………………..still laughing at this one  :lmao:

:lmao:

That just made my Friday afternoon fly by!!!!

Eck you do stand up right?

An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as
part of his physical exam.  The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and
gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, "Well, doc, it's
like this - first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried
with my left hand, but still nothing.

Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then
with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing.

We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first
with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between
her knees, but still nothing.

The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?"

The old man replied, "Yep, none of us could get the jar open."

 A selection from the letters page:

I HAVE just returned from a diplomatic trip to the Congo and I can testify that at no point did I see anyone drinking Um Bongo
Rt Hon P. Green

JAMIE Oliver has been telling people to 'try something new today'. So this weekend at my Chinese takeaway, I had a number 163 and 24 instead of my usual 122 and 47. And it was awful. So thanks for nothing.
T. Berckley

PROFESSIONAL footballers have hit the headlines recently for indulging in gamesmanship - diving and playacting and so on. Well at least they are now limiting their disgraceful behaviour to the pitch these days. It wasn't so long ago that they were out beating up Pakistanis, dogging in car parks and gang raping women in hotel rooms. Let's give credit where credit is due.
R. Stanmore
 
WHY IS IT Tampax adverts allways show women ice-skating, dancing or playing volleyball? The only activity my missus partakes in at that time of the month is biting my head off.
F.Didworth

THE THING that strikes me about the appointment of a paedophile to a teaching post is, how rubbish must the other people at the interview have been?
R.G.Broadhurst

WHY DON'T NHS bosses start hiring obsessive compulsives as nurses? Their attention to hygiene and constant hand washing would see an end to MRSA outbreaks in no time.
Mrs E. weekly

LAST WEEK my wife walked in on me whilst I was lying stark naked, masturbating over a copy of Razzle. She said she was disgusted and what I was doing undermined our relationship. If I had walked in on her and found her masturbating stark naked, perhaps playing with a vibrator, rather than undermine it, I think it would strengthen our relationship no end. Honestly, I'll never understand women.
E.Pryde

I could never understand why Brian McFadden dumped his huge-breasted wife Kerry Katona. But those Iceland adverts over Christmas really opened my eyes. Wise move
Mrs R.Folly

'Alton Towers - Where the magic never ends', or so the com-mercial says. Imagine my disappointment when it closed at 7.30.
T.B.Hurst

It's a shame Fred West is dead. He would have made a cracking Mungo Jerry on 'Stars In Your Eyes'.
T.Jennings

Peter Andre might look smug in all his wedding pictures, but I'd just like to remind him that, as a Playboy reader, I have seen his wife's minge. He hasn't seen my wife's, so who's had the last laugh?
R.Castle

Why is it that Channel 4's Big Brother are allowed to install loads of cameras in a house and watch the residents' every move. But when I put one tiny camera in my neighbour's bathroom I get bound over for 12 months. There's no justice.
T.Sledge

I was extremely saddened to hear of Richard Whiteley's recent death. But I was cheered to imagine his life support machine making the famous Countdown "da-da, da-da, da-da-da-da! Booooooo!" sound as he took his final breaths
A. Fleming

When I nipped into a McDonald's to use their toilets the other day, I was confronted by a spotty teenager mopping up vomit just by the lavatory. On the back of his T-shirt it said 'I'm Lovin' it!' Funny, but the poor sod's face told a different story.
T.G.Hartley

I was being chased by a police dog last week, and made the mistake of trying to escape through a little tunnel, over a see-saw and through a hoop of fire. It finally caught me as I was weaving in and out of some sticks.
B.Peep

I don't know why cigarette manufacturers put those big warning stickers on the side of their packets. If anything, it is likely to put people off buying the product.
S.Boardfoot

The Sun newspaper reported that 'when the Pope was put in his coffin, his bishop's hat lay on his chest'. It's a pity he was celibate. With a cock that size he could have had a lot of fun
Randy McNulty

Whoever said 'people say the funniest things' has never watched Ant & Dec's Saturday Night Takeaway.
I James
 
Yesterday in my local TKMAXX, I went into the household bit and saw a non-stick frying pan with a price sticker on it. Who the hell are they trying to kid?
Graham Wilson
 
I was watching those insurance adverts on the telly where Michael Winner plays the parts of both himself and his wife. It suddenly struck me that, after years of wishing he would, he could now actually go and …. himself.
Mike Oxlong
 
I never worry about the destination when I'm going on holiday. My dad is Iranian and my mum is Irish, so I spend most of the time in customs.
Stan
 
The Ocean Finance advert say 'When you're in the worst situation you can imagine, call Ocean Finance.' So when I was kidnapped by Islamic Fundamentalist terrorists in Iraq recently, I gave them a call. To their credit, they swiftly arranged my release, had me and my family repatriated to Britain and combined all my debts into one easy to manage monthly payment. Well done Ocean Finance.  
Robbie Knox, Ealing
 
Why should I abide by British road traffic laws? I live in Germany. And I don't even have a car.
Karl Schmidt, Heidelburg
 
What's all this nonsense about that 66-year-old Romanian woman being the world's oldest mum? My mum's 77. Beat that.
Thomas J
 
Forget Prince Harry and his fascist ways, whilst eating a Birdseye Potato Waffle the other day, I was sickened to be able to fashion a crude swastika from the compressed starch matrix. And their Alphabites are no better. After carefully selecting a plateful, I was able to spell out 'Hitler is nice' if I used a z on its side for an n. How long are the frozen food giants going to be allowed to get away with this?  
Billington Smyth
 
I often receive bills saying 'final demand'. But it never is. If anything they start asking me for more money.
Ian Sertname, Brighton le Sands

Having decided to send you a letter about the funny things that kids say, I asked my 5-year-old son to come up with an amusing comment. When he failed, I sent him up to his room with no dinner and told him not to come down until he had something amusing to say. After six hours, the best he could manage was 'Dad, I'm hungry." Kids these days, eh?  
Paul Darren
 
I'm not surprised Ellen MacArthur's boat went in a great big circle around the world. I've bought lengths of wood from B&Q as well.  
T Haliday, Shropshire
  
Bob Geldof, Midge Ure and Bono should all delve into their trillions and 'feed the world' their bloody selves instead of asking us poor people on the dole to feed it. I get ?52 a week and can't even feed myself after I've bought my Special Brews, snout and porn.
Keith, Caversham
 
'An apple a day keeps the doctor away' according to the old maxim. Well, I'm married to a GP and no matter how many apples I eat the b@stard keeps coming home.  
M Bunford
 
'A little bit of what you fancy does you good' they say. It messed Gary Glitter's career good and proper, though, didn't it?
Nick Pettigrew, London
 
"When a man loves a woman, can't keep his mind on nuthin' else" crooned Percy Sledge during the summer of 1966. I would have to disagree, as during sexual intercourse with my wife I routinely think about our next door neighbour Brenda and her border collie.  
David Thompson
 
I'm worried that the Dandy's Desperate Dan might be a paedophile. Just look at the evidence: He lives with his aunt, he hangs around with two kids, and he ponces round Cactusville dressed like a cowboy. Desperate? Desperate for some underage botty more like.
Alfred, Lord Tennyson
 
Ronseal 5 Year Woodstain does exactly what it says on the tin, does it? Funny that. I've looked all over the label and nowhere does it say 'Makes your front door look like an African elephant has wiped its arse on it.'
Steve Edwards, Welshpool

Never mind ventriloquists like Keith Harris and Roger DeCourcey. What about Professor Stephen Hawking? I saw him on telly blathering on about galaxies for hours and I never saw his lips move once. Genius.
Mike Woods, e-mail
 
In his song 'Sexuality', Billy Bragg claims that '…Your laws do not apply to me'. I think that if Mr.Bragg were to be caught nuts-deep in a 9-year-old then he would find out just how much these laws do indeed 'apply to him'.
Detective Sgt. Gary Parslow
 
When we were at school, a mate of mine told me he used to jack off over Annalise from Neighbours. I never believed him though. Do you think you could ask her politely if she recalls being sprayed with spunk by a teenager from Yeovil, about ten years ago?
Robert Graff, Shepton Mallet
 
On the BBC website, I read with interest that some scientists in Australia have discovered the smallest fish known to exist. They've obviously never been to the Britannia Chippy on the Gloucester Road.  
Alan J. Thackray, London
 
Last week I attended an AA meeting, and to my horror, each person present stood up and openly admitted to being an alcoholic. I'm not having these boastful drunkards repairing my car. I can only hope the RAC have more responsible employees.
Hugie Dixon, West Drayton
 
I'm fed up with finding my e-mail inbox stuffed full of adverts for penis enlarging pills. In the interests of sexual equality, isn't it about time that they started bombarding women's computers with adverts for fanny tightening tablets?  
Neil, Scotland
 
The saying goes, 'See a penny, pick it up, and all day long you'll have good luck.' Well I beg to differ. I'm a matador, and whilst picking a penny up at work the other day I was badly gored in the anus. That's not good luck in my book.
Milos el Standish, Barcelona
 
I HAVE recently started to masturbate whilst fantasising about Jeanette Krankie. My problem is that I cannot work out whether I am gay, straight or a paedophile. What do your readers think?  
D Barclay
 

ACCORDING to a recent survey, most wives are too embarrassed to get undressed in front of their husbands with the light on. I wish mine was.  
J Downing, Stoke on Trent
 
COULD the Home Secretary explain to me how biometric checks on iris patterns and fingerprints are going to help keep tabs on muslim cleric Abu Hamsa.
Les Barnsley, Barnsley
 
'ONE pound a week will supply water for an entire village in Tanzania', says Oxfam. So how come United Utilities charge me twenty pounds a month for my three bedroom semi? The fleecing bastards.
Tracey Cusick, Cumbria
 
HOW come rap artist Dr. Dre can use the 'N' word on his multi-million selling albums and win a MOBO award, yet when I used it at my son's football match I was asked to leave the park? Once again, it's one law for the rich and another for the poor.
Reg Ashcroft, Bradford
 

They say "you can't judge a book by its cover". What nonsense. The last edition of High School Anal that I bought featured a young lady stuffing a big one up her bomb-bay on the front page, and this turned out to be an excellent indication of the contents.  
Mark Roberts

According to Nietzsche, 'That which does not kill me makes me stronger'. I'm sure my grandad would not agree. He suffered a series of massive strokes in the early '90s which have left him an incontinent vegetable for the past 12 years.  
A Thorne, Sandbach
 
IT'S uncanny how some of these old sayings are true. 'Absence makes the heart grow fonder', said my wife as she waved goodbye to me on the way to spend a month with her mother. Since then I have grown quite fond of my next door neighbour. I actually gave her one on the living room carpet this morning.
Christopher Hampshire, Bristol
 
I AM becoming sick and tired with the media's politically correct obsession with gay sex. It's getting so that I can't turn on the Fantasy Channel without seeing two naked homosexual women indulging in these sordid practices. I'm thinking of cancelling my subscription.
T Cutt, Surrey
 
HOW come in the adverts, a McDonald's Big Mac looks as tall as one of the twin towers (when it was still standing, of course), yet when you get one they're as squashed as my gran's tits?
Big Mick, High Wycomb
 
I was shocked to hear Home Secretary David Blunkett say that Britain's prison population has been ballooning for the past ten years. My God, has the world gone mad? Those people are there to be punished, not to be given 'thrill of a lifetime' experiences that most law abiding citizens can only dream of.
Mrs Close, Headingley

According to Bill Bryson in his book 'A Short History of Nearly Everything', the vigorousness of a man's beard growth is proportional to the number of times he thinks about sex. This being the case, Archbishop of Canterbury Dr Rowan Williams ought to be ashamed of himself. Filthy beast.  
Mrs Yeoman, Kidderminster
 
With reference to that series "Manhunt" where ex-Special Forces soldiers try to hunt down Andy McNab. Why don't the producers include a couple of Iraqis in the hunting team? They found the tw T quickly enough the last time he played hide and seek with them.
Shuggie, Email
 
It's all very well Meg Ryan getting her kit off for her new film, but why wasn't she doing it twenty years ago before her puppies hit the pan?
Alan Pick, Kingston-upon-Toast