Tell Jokes!

Ah good to know some moos (or other animals) got to enjoy it in some form. The news report I read said that by the time they'd made the entire car, the cake was something like 8 days old and really not fit for human consumption. The girl the paper interviewed had hoped it would get eaten by needy people (we ALL need cake!)…at least their intentions were good!

Millwall signed the star striker from Sarajevo United. After a few weeks of getting fit, learning the language - remembering to say f*ck every 3 seconds - the lad was picked as a substitute for his debut. He rang home after the game as he had promised."Hey dad, I came on with fifthteen minutes to go, scored a hat trick and was the man of the match!" " Never mind football lad!" his dad shouted " The house has been blown up, your kid brother's been kidnapped, your sister raped, your mum shot in the back, our life savings have been taken AND IT IS ALL YOUR FAULT!!"2 How is it my fault,"asked the lad"i've been playing football all afternoon" "of course it is your fault,"replied his dad"without you we'd never have moved to millwall!"

A nice football joke, im gonna use it but change Millwall to Blackburn  :twisted:

Worth a try…..

Elvis in his later years



I found it quite amusing!

English Scotish and an Irish builder sit down for lunch…………………..

English bloke pulls out his sandwiches and shouts "ham" i told that woman i hate ham….and throws them in the skip

Scottish builder opens his tin foil only to find tuna in his "och that woman" i hate tuna, and he to launches them into the skip

Irish fella sits quietly for a moment, then just chucks his whole lunch bag straight into the skip

Englishman and Scotsman both shout "what did you do that for?"

Irish man replies "i hate cheese and pickle"

English man and scotsman both say "but you didnt even look"

Irish man replies "I know i didnt"…….." i made them myself"

Paddy is working on a building site……………he sees a male with an interesting item in his hand….
whats that? asks paddy
 
its a thermos replies the man,
 
"whats that for then" asks paddy……

it keeps hot things hot and cold things cold says the man…..

"oh replies paddy i have to get mrs paddy to get me one of those…..

Sure enough next day paddy arrives with a shiney new flask, he walks passed the man who shouts….

 "i see ya got a thermos paddy what ya got in it?"

Paddy replies…..

 "2 cups of tea and a choc ice"

                   

Two women had gone for a girl's night out and had gotten
somewhat over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi Breezers.

Incredibly drunk and walking home they needed to pee, so
they stopped in a local cemetery. Neither one of them had
anything to wipe with. One of the women thought she would take
off her panties and use them.

Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive pair of
panties and did not want to ruin them, but was lucky enough
to squat down next to a grave that had a wreath with a
ribbon on it, so she proceeded to use that.

The next day one of the women's husbands was concerned
that his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed
hung over, so he phoned the other husband and said, "These
girl nights have got to stop! I'm starting to suspect the
worst…my wife came home with no panties!

"That's nothing" the other husband replied, "Mine came
back with a card stuck to her arse that said: 'From all of us
at the Fire Station. We'll never forget you.'"

Q. What's the difference between Michael Jackson and Neil Kinnock?

A. Neil Kinnock hasn't seen a miners helmet in 20 years

The Patter:

Two guys sitting in the office chatting when this girl passes them going
to the toilet.

Guy says "I think she's nice"

Guys mate "well nip over and give her the patter"

Guy "the patter?"

Guys mate "aye the patter"

Guy "I don't know any patter I've never found it easy to talk to girls"

Guys Mate " its easy all you have to say is "hello" and she will say
"hello"

Then say "it's a nice day isn't it"

Then she will say "Yes it is" .
  
Then you say " but not half as nice as you!"

Then she will say "Oh thank you" .

Then the patter will just flow"

Guys Mate "look there she coming back out, go and give it a go"

So nervously off he goes, re-running  the patter in his head.

He walks up and says "Hello"

She says "Hello"

He says "It's a nice day isn't it?"

She says "Yes it is"

He says "but not half as nice as you"

She says "Oh thank you"

Few seconds of uneasy silence…………………………

Then he says………………………………….

"Been for a crap then?"

While I was driving down the A40 the other day, (going a little faster than I should have been) I passed under a bridge only to see a copper on the other side with a radar gun laying in wait.
The copper pulled me over, walked up to the car, and with that classic patronising smirk asked: "Runway too short?"
To which I replied: "I'm late for work."
To which he asked: "What do you do?"
I responded: "I'm a rectum stretcher"
The copper was surprised and confused: "A rectum stretcher, and just what does a rectum stretcher do?"
"Well," I said, "I start by inserting one finger, then I work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in, work side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch the hole, until it's about 6 feet."
Then the copper asked questioningly and cautiously:
"And just what do you do with a six-foot arsehole?"
To which I politely replied: "You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge…."

A Doctor wanted to get off work and play golf, so he approached his
Irish assistant Paddy., "I am going golfing tomorrow Paddy and I don't  
want to close the clinic. I want you to take care of the clinic and
take care of all of our patients."
"Yes, sir!" answers Paddy.
The doctor goes off to golf and returns the following day and asks:
So, Paddy, how was your day?
Paddy told him that he took care of three patients.
"The first one had a headache so I gave him Panadol."
"Bravo Mate and the second one?" asks the doctor.
"The second one had stomach burning and I gave him Asprin".
"Excellent. You're good at this and what about the third one?" asks the doctor.
"Well, I was sitting here and suddenly the door opens and a woman enters.
Like a woman possessed, she undresses herself, taking off everything
including her bra and her panties and lies down on the table and shouts:  
 'HELP ME! For five years I haven't seen a man!'"
"Good God "says the doctor."What did you do?"
"I put drops in her eyes!"

*****Stop Press*****

Liverpool airport was closed for 8 hours yesterday due to the discovery of a 'Suspicious' vehicle in the carpark.

Police have confirmed the vehicle was taxed, insured, had an MoT and the hub caps and radio where still there…

Court:
Defence Attorney:  What is your age?

Little old Woman:  I am 86 years old.
Defence  Attorney:  Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened to you on April 1 this year?

Little old Woman:  There I was, sitting there in  my swing on my porch on a warm Spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.

Defence Attorney:   Did you know him?

Little old Woman:  No, but he sure was friendly.

Defence Attorney:  What happened after he sat down?

Little  old Woman:  He started to rub my thigh.

Defence Attorney:  Did  you stop him?

Little old Woman:  No, I didn't stop him.

Defence Attorney:  Why not?

Little old Woman:  It felt  good. Nobody had done that since my Abner passed away some 30 years ago.

Defence Attorney:  What happened next?

Little old  Woman:  He began to rub my breasts.

Defence Attorney:  Did you  stop him then?

Little old Woman:  No, I did not stop him.

Defence Attorney:  Why not?

Little old Woman:  Why,  Your Honour, his rubbing made me  feel all alive and excited.  I haven't felt that good in years!

Defence Attorney:  What happened next?

Little old Woman:  Well, I was feeling so spicy that I just laid down and said to him, "Take me, young man, Take me!"

Defence  Attorney:  Did he take you?

Little old Woman:  Hell, no.   He just yelled, "April Fool!"  And that's when I shot the little  b*****d!

AhhhhhhhhhhHAHAHA      

Very Very funny lmao, cheers for that 'eck'

what's the similarity between pubic hairs on the toilet bowl and life?
















Every now and then one gets pi**ed off!

proof that men need a wife….(the bigger the better!)