Tell Jokes!

A recent survey asked 100 sexually active men what they most enjoyed about a blow job, 100% said "the 10 mins silence."


Life with a woman is like a pack of cards, you need a heart to love one, you need a diamond to marry one, you need club to beat her, and a spade to bury the bi*ch


Q: How do you know when you're really ugly? A: Dogs close their eyes when they're humping your leg.


Q: What do blondes and spaghetti have in common? A: They both wriggle when you eat them.


What do a walrus and Tupperware have in common? They like a tight seal..


Whoever said nothing is impossible never tried slamming a revolving door.


2 eggs boiling in a saucepan! 1 female, 1 male! he turns 2 him & says ' look, i've got a crack!' he replies, 'No point telling me, i'm not even hard.


How do you get a sweet 80-year-old lady to say the F word? get another sweet 80-year-old lady to yell*BINGO*!


if a cow laughed, would milk come out his nose?


never play leap frog wiv a unicorn


 I read a story in the paper about a dwarf being pick pocketed. How could anybody stoop so low?


What do you call a Russian Prostitute ??? Slobbadown Mecokyabitch


I was walking in a cemetery this morning and seen a bloke hiding behind a gravestone. I said "morning." he replied, "No, just having a dump."


"I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?


Somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen; it said 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice.


they found the cure 4 homosexuality. .. lipbarm…you put it on ur a*sehole and it keeps the chaps away…!


A Tesco security guard trying to help a lost boy says "What's your mummy like?" The little boy looks up and says "Big c*cks and Bacardi Breezers."


bought myself a new deodorant today. The instructions said "take off top & push up bottom". I am still in casualty at the moment but my farts smell class.

whats the difference between micheal jackson and acne??


acne waits til your thirteen before it comes on your face  

Thirteen year old dad alfie patten has joined  fathers for justice,              as he already has the spider man costume.

In the local paper it said "please look after your neighbours in the cold weather" Not once has my 87 year old neighbour come round to see if i am alright. #the lazy Bitch hasnt even taken her milk in for two weeks.

mr cadbury and miss rowntree met on a double decker, it was after eight. she was from quality street, he was a fishermans friend. on the way they stopped at a yorkie bar, he had a rum and butter, she had a wine gum. he asked her name, "polo, i'm the one with the hole" she said. "i'm the one with the nuts" he thought.
then he touched her milky way. they checked into a hotel, and went straight to the bedroom. mr cadbury turned out the lights for a bit of black magic. it wasn't long long before  he slipped his hand in her snickers and felt her cream egg. he fondled her flap jacks then he showed her his curly wurly and tic tacs.
miss rowntree wasn't keen to have any jelly babies, so she let him take a trip down bourneville boulevard via her party ring. he was pleased as he always fancied a bit of fudge. it was a magic moment as she let out a scream of turkish delight.
when he pulled out, his fun sized mars bar felt a bit crunchie. she wanted more, but he needed timeout, however he noticed her pink waferslooked very apatizing. he did a twirl, had a picnic in her sherbet dip and finished off by giving her a gob stopper.
unfortunatly, mr cadbury then had to go home to his wife, caramel. sadley 3 days later, his magnum lolly started to drip.
it turned out miss rowntree had been with bertie bassett who had allsorts!!!!!!

A RIDDLE FOR YOU—–2 men are at the opposite side of the world but are thinking the exact same thing.one is walking a tightrope between 2 skyscrapers the other is having a blow job off an 85yr old women,what are they both thinking?



































dont look down,
dont look down,
dont look down!

Nice Jase  

Just got this in an email

THREE WOMEN, TWO YOUNGER, AND ONE SENIOR CITIZEN, WERE SITTING NAKED IN A
SAUNA. SUDDENLY THERE WAS A BEEPING SOUND.

ONE OF THE YOUNG WOMEN PRESSED HER FOREARM AND THE BEEP STOPPED. THE OTHERS LOOKED AT HER QUESTIONINGLY. 'THAT WAS MY PAGER,' SHE SAID. I HAVE A MICROCHIP UNDER THE SKIN OF MY ARM.

A FEW MINUTES LATER, A PHONE RANG. THE SECOND YOUNG WOMAN LIFTED HER PALM
TO HER EAR. WHEN SHE FINISHED, SHE EXPLAINED,'THAT WAS MY MOBILE PHONE. I
HAVE A MICROCHIP IN MY HAND.'

THE OLDER WOMAN FELT VERY LOW -TECH. NOT TO BE OUT DONE, SHE DECIDED SHE
HAD TO DO SOMETHING JUST AS IMPRESSIVE. SHE STEPPED OUT OF THE SAUNA AND
WENT TO THE BATHROOM. SHE RETURNED WITH A PIECE OF TOILET PAPER HANGING FROM HER REAR END.

THE OTHERS RAISED THEIR EYEBROWS AND STARED AT HER. THE OLDER WOMAN FINALLY SAID………WELL, WILL YOU LOOK AT THAT….I'M GETTING A FAX!!

A firefighter was working on the engine outside the station, when he
noticed a little girl nearby in a little red wagon with little
ladders hung off the sides, and a garden hose tightly coiled in the
middle.
The girl was wearing a firefighters helmet. The wagon was being
pulled by her dog and her cat.
The firefighter walked over to take a closer look. 'That sure is a
nice fire truck,' the firefighter said with admiration.
'Thanks,' the girl replied.
The firefighter looked a little closer.
The fireman noticed the girl had tied the wagon to her dog's collar
and to the cat's testicles…
'Little partner,' the firefighter said, 'I don't want to tell you how
to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's
collar, I think you could go faster.'

The little girl replied thoughtfully, 'You're probably right, but
then I wouldn't have a siren.'