Tell Jokes!

Showbiz gossip from the U.S. says that Stevie Wonder is showing the first signs of Alzheimer's…

Apparently he's spent all week trying to switch the lights on.

Why did Rod Hull fall off the roof?

Because Michael J Fox was holding the ladder.

I was walking through town earlier and one of those Injury Lawyers 4 U people stopped me and asked me if I'd been in an accident…

…I said, 'no, I always look like this.'

Police are now saying that the body found in a suitcase in Brazil may not be Cara Burke.

Apparently, it was not a Burberry suitcase and her family have stated that she would not be seen dead in it.

What was Michelle McManus's favourite musical instrument at school?

The dinner bell

A man asks his friend, "what's the most common French expression?"

His friend scratches his head, shrugs his shoulders and replies, "I give up!"

The Man's Dictionary …

"That's women's work." - REALLY MEANS: "It's dirty, boring, thankless and I wouldnt ask a dog to do it."

"Will you marry me?" - REALLY MEANS: "Both my roommates have buggered off, the sink is full and I'm running out of clean clothes ."

"It's a man thing." - REALLY MEANS: "bugger off, its nothing to do with you."

"Can I help with dinner?" - REALLY MEANS: "Why isn't it already on the table?"

"It would take too long to explain." - REALLY MEANS: "It doesnt involve cooking, washing, cleaning, shoes or hair styles so you wont understand."

"I'm getting more exercise lately." - REALLY MEANS: "I need to get some new batteries for the remote."

"Oh dear, we're going to be late." - REALLY MEANS: "You are allowed to drive over 25mph."

"Take a break Love, you're working too hard." - REALLY MEANS: "I can't hear the TV over the vacuum cleaner."

"That's interesting, dear." - REALLY MEANS: "bloody hell, are you still talking?"

"Darling, we don't need material things to prove our love." - REALLY MEANS: "I forgot our anniversary again."

It's really a good movie." - REALLY MEANS: "It's got guns, violence, fast cars and naked women."

A Catholic Priest, an Indian Doctor, a rich Chinese Businessman and an Aussie were waiting one Morning for a particularly slow group of golfers in front of them.

The Aussie fumed, "What's with those blokes? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!" The Indian Doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such poor golf!" The Chinese Businessman called out "Move it, time is money" The Catholic Priest said, "Here comes George the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him."

"Hello, George!" said the Catholic Priest, "What's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?" George the greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."

The group fell silent for a moment. The Catholic Priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight." The Indian Doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything he can do for them." The Chinese Businessman replied, "I think I'll donate $50,000 to the fire-fighters in honour of these brave souls". The Aussie said, "So what's wrong with them playing at bloody night then?"

George W Bush quotes…


1. "It's clearly a budget. It's got a lot of numbers in it."

2. "One of the great things about books is sometimes there are some fantastic pictures."

3. "You teach a child to read, and he or her will be able to pass a literacy test."
-George W. Bush, Feb. 21, 2001

4. "If you don't stand for anything, you don't stand for anything!"
-George W. Bush, Bellevue Community College, Nov. 2, 2000

5. "It is clear our nation is reliant upon big foreign oil. More and more of our imports come from overseas."
-George W. Bush, Beaverton, Ore., Sep. 25, 2000

6. "I know the human being and fish can coexist peacefully."

7. "There's no such thing as legacies. At least, there is a legacy, but I'll never see it."
-George W. Bush, speaking to Catholic leaders at the White House, Jan. 31, 2001

8. "Redefining the role of the United States from enablers to keep the peace to enablers to keep the peace from peacekeepers is going to be an assignment."
-George W. Bush, Jan. 2001

9. "Natural gas is hemispheric. I like to call it hemispheric in nature because it is a product that we can find in our neighborhoods."
-George W. Bush, Dec. 20, 2000

10. "They want the federal government controlling Social Security like it's some kind of federal program."
-George W. Bush

11. "We cannot let terrorists and rogue nations hold this nation hostile or hold our allies hostile.''
-George W. Bush.

12. "I think anybody who doesn't think I'm smart enough to handle the job is underestimating."
-George W. Bush

13. "Rarely is the questioned asked: Is our children learning?"
-George W. Bush

14. "I was raised in the West. The West of Texas. It's pretty close to California. In more ways than Washington, D.C., is close to California."
-George W. Bush

15. "If the terriers and bariffs are torn down, this economy will grow."
-George W. Bush, Jan. 2000

16. "I know how hard it is for you to put food on your family."
-George W. Bush

17. "When I was coming up, it was a dangerous world, and you knew exactly who they were. It was us versus them, and it was clear who them was. Today we are not so sure who the they are, but we know they're there."
-George W. Bush, Jan. 2000

18. "One of the common denominators I have found is that expectations rise above that which is expected."
-George W. Bush

19. "The great thing about America is everybody should vote."
-George W. Bush

20. "There's no question that the minute I got elected, the storm clouds on the horizon were getting nearly directly overhead."
-George W. Bush, May 11, 2001

21. "I am mindful of the difference between the executive branch and the legislative branch. I assured all four of these leaders that I know the difference, and that difference is they pass the laws and I execute them."
-George W. Bush, Dec. 20, 2000

22. "First, we would not accept a treaty that would not have been ratified, nor a treaty that I thought made sense for the country."
-George W. Bush, on the Kyoto accord, April 24, 2001

23. "The California crunch really is the result of not enough power-generating plants and then not enough power to power the power of generating plants."
-George W. Bush, Jan. 2001

24. "I'm hopeful. I know there is a lot of ambition in Washington, obviously. But I hope the ambitious realize that they are more likely to succeed with success as opposed to failure."
-George W. Bush, Jan. 2001

25. "This administration is doing everything we can to end the stalemate in an efficient way. We're making the right decisions to bring the solution to an end."
-George W. Bush, April 10, 2001

26. "If a person doesn't have the capacity that we all want that person to have, I suspect hope is in the far distant future, if at all."
-George W. Bush, May 22, 2001

27. "Neither in French nor in English nor in Mexican."
-George W. Bush, declining to take reporters' questions during a photo op with Canadian Prime Minister Jean Chretien, April 21, 2001

28. "But I also made it clear to (Vladimir Putin) that it's important to think beyond the old days of when we had the concept that if we blew each other up, the world would be safe."
-George W. Bush, May 1, 2001

I went to a car boot sale the other day. I found an old, brown, bent leathery tool…..
 
 
 
 


Turned out to be David Dickinson

If Jordan is meant to be married to Peter Andre, why is she always being photographed with Gary Coleman?

I think my parents were big Star Trek fans before i was born.

my dad is always telling me how he was suppose to 'shoot me into space'
 
but was apparently too drunk

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, 'Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon.'

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer
happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. 'Good morning, Ma'am', he said, 'I've come to…'

'Oh, no need to explain,' Mrs.. Smith cut in, embarrassed, 'I've been
expecting you.'

'Have you really?' said the photographer. 'Well, that's good. Did you know
babies are my specialty?'

'Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat'.

After a moment she asked, blushing, 'Well, where do we start?'

'Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there.'

'Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!'

'Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarante e a good one every time.. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.'

'My, that's a lot!', gasped Mrs. Smith.

'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be In and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that.'

'Don't I know it,' said Mrs. Smith quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. 'This was done on the top of a bus,' he said.

'Oh, my God!' Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.

'And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their
mother was so difficult to work with.'

'She was difficult?' asked Mrs. Smith.

'Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job
done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look'

'Four and five deep?' said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.

'Yes', the photographer replied. 'And for more than three hours, too. The
mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate,
and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the
squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.'

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. 'Do you mean they actually chewed on your,
Uh…equipment?'

'It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we
can get to work right away.'

'Tripod?'

'Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too
big to be held in the hand, its very long.'

Mrs Smith fainted!!

check this out and pass to all folk  http://www.track-your-partner.com/

For her wedding, Camilla bought a new pair of shoes, which got
increasingly tighter & tighter as the day went on.
 
That night after the festivities were finally over, she & Charles retired
to their room.

Camilla flopped on the bed and said 'Please remove my shoes darling. Ones feet are killing me.
 
' Ever obedient, the Prince of Wales attacked her right shoe with vigour .
. . . But it would not budge.

'Harder' yelled Camilla. 'Harder'

Charles yelled back, 'I'm trying darling! But it's just so bloody tight!'

'Come on give it all you've got ' she cried..

Finally when it released, Charles let out a big groan, and Camilla
exclaimed 'There! Oh God, that feels so good.'
 
In their bedroom next door The Queen turned to Prince Phillip and said
'See I told you she was probably still a virgin with a face like that!'

Meanwhile back in the other bedroom Charles was attempting to remove the other shoe when he cried out 'Oh god, darling this ones even tighter'

At which point Prince Phillip turned and said to the Queen 'That's my boy,
Once a Navy man, always a Navy man!'

Judge Judy to prostitute : 'When did you realize you were raped?'

Prostitute, wiping away tears: 'When the cheque bounced.'

Whats black and screams ??












Stevie wonder answering the iron.












Sorry ops:

What bees produce milk?





Boobies!!!

My niece told me that one and I thought it was quite funny

The fire brigade were trying to rescue Paddy from the burning building.

The firemen shout up to Paddy "Jump and we will catch you in the blanket".

"Sod off!" says Paddy "I dont trust you!. Lay it on the floor".