Tell Jokes!

So, Prince William dropped his chopper into Kate Middleton's backyard the other day.

I'm sure there's a double entendre there somewhere but I just can't see it.

An old lady goes to the doctors. When the doctor asks what is wrong she says, "doc, can you help me? I can't stop farting! Every minute another one slips out. The only good thing is that they are silent and have no smell."
The doc hands her some pills and tells her to take 3 a day for 2 weeks then come back.

After the 2 weeks she returns and says, "doc, I dont know what you gave me but it hasn't stopped me farting, the only thing it's done is made them smell."

The doc replies, "well, now we have your sinuses clear, let's sort out your hearing."

A guy rings his wife from work and tells her he has had an accident.
"I've cut off my finger," he says.
"The whole finger?" his wife asks.
"Nah, the one next to it," he replies.

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning." Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble. "Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice, slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong." She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued; "He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along,"

A man charges into a bank wearing a balaclava and wielding a
handgun.

He shouts "this is a raid - everyone get on the floor!!", and
proceeds to empty the cash drawers.

As he runs towards the door with the loot, a brave customer yanks
off his balaclava. The robber immediately shoots the customer
in the head and shouts.. "Did anybody else here see my face?".

The robber notices another customer peering from behind a counter
and goes over and shoots him in the head also.

"Did anybody else see my face?" he shouts again, waving his gun
around. There is silence for a few seconds before a male voice
is heard from a distant corner..


"I think my missus caught a glimpse…."

What goes…

Click-Click Is that it?
Click-Click Is that it?
Click-Click Is that it?




Stevie Wonder doing a Rubiks Cube.

paddy and murphy are walkin down a road wen they see a mirror lying to the side, so they go and hav a look

paddy says "who's in it?"

murphy replies "i dunno but they look really familiar"

paddy then goes to have a look and says "ah u eejit, its me!"

a snail goes into a pub and asks for a drink, without warning the bartender picks him up and launches him out the window

3 years later the same snail comes back into the bar and asks "what did you do that for?"

a man charges into a sperm bank wearing a balaclava and weilding a shotgun

he storms up to the receptionist and demands she open the safe

she quickly states "sir, this isnt a normal bank"

he shouts back "just do it or i'll blow your brains out"

so she goes and opens the large safe.

"now pick up one of the pots and drink it" he yells

she looks startled and pauses for a second before unscrewing the lid and drinking the contents

"now do another"

so she does it again

"and another"

whilst she is drinking the 3rd cup the man takes off his balaclava, and to her amazement see's that its her husband and he says

"see… its not that hard is it?"

Think I've shopped here before…




The Catholic Light Switch - they didn't think this one thru…

a man goes on holiday to wales (try to be serious) and whiles he's walking about, taking in the scenery, he spots an old man sobbing away.
 so off he trots, to ask the old fella what's wrong.
 (best welsh accent here)
 " well, see that old mine down there? i worked in them pits for 15yrs. and do they call me taffy the miner? NO? and see them houses down there? well i built them, see. and do they call me taffy the builder? NO! and you see that rugby ground there? well i tended that turf for 15 years. and do they call me taffy the groundsman? NO! and see all that village there? well i've delivered the post and the milk to every house in that village. and do they call me taffy the postman? NO! taffy the milkman? NO! and yet you shag just one sheep….

dont no if this has been said, not read it all.

A mans sat in a club, starts chattin to a women, shes asks his name, he goes the names "bond", before he can finish she goes dont tell me "james bond" he replys "no no Unibond" an ill fill your crack!

a man was in a pub when he started to talk to a young lady.'and what's your name?'
 'Carmen' she says.
 'carmen? you don't sound or look very mediteranian to me! where you from? essex?'
 'yes' she says 'my real names sharon, but i call myself carmen, because i like cars and man. what's your name?' she says
 'stellac**t'

I knew all along that Barry George was innocent. There's no way someone from Fulham would be able to shoot and hit the target

I got stopped by a copper last night. The officer said, "do you have a police record?"

I said, "Yes, Walking on the Moon from 1979."

Sad news reports are coming in that a whale, stranded on an English sandbank today, had to be put down despite a massive rescue attempt.

Fern Brittons husband, Phil Vickery, spoke to the press stating that he could never take a beach trip again.

I got stopped by a lady doing a survey today.

She said, "what household chore annoys you the most?"

I said, "having to turn down the telly to tell my wife to do the hoovering."

There's no 'I' in team.
 
Well, unless, of course, you are dyslexic.

A Chinese couple have become the first of their kind to have an albino baby.

This just goes to show that two Wongs can make a white!

I just dont get it, everyone goes on about David Beckham being thick…… but no-one says anything about Stephen Hawking being crap at football, do they?!

tho you have to give credit where it's due - he's great at dribbling…..