Tell Jokes!

the old ones are the best…..

hay up must be easter

haha nice one eck. Where do you find all these!?

2 sausages are sitting in a pan, one says:
"jaysus it's hot in here" the other replies
"oh crap a talking sausage"







similar:
2 cows are standing in a field, one says:
"im concerned about all this mad cow disease" the other says
"its alright for me, im a duck"

She just couldn't wait to start spending that money, could she….

so thats why TK max only has 1 of every trainer

You may have seen this before:

The following are all replies that British women have put on Child Support Agency forms in the section for listing father's details:

These are genuine excerts from the forms.
 
01. Regarding the identity of the father of my twins, child A was fathered by Jim Munson. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of child B, but I believe that he was conceived on the same night.
 
02. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my child as I was being sick out of a window when taken unexpectedly from behind. I can provide you with a list of names of men that I think were at the party if this helps.
 
03. I do not know the name of the father of my little girl. She was conceived at a party at 3600 Grand avenue where I had unprotected sex with a man I met that night. I do remember that the sex was so good that I fainted. If you do manage to track down the father can you send me his phone number? Thanks.
 
04. I don't know the identity of the father of my daughter. He drives a BMW that now has a hole made by my stiletto in one of the door panels. Perhaps you can contact BMW service stations in this area and see if he's had it replaced.
 
05. I have never had sex with a man. I am awaiting a letter from the Pope confirming that my son's conception was immaculate and that he's Christ risen again.
 
 06. I cannot tell you the name of child A's dad as he informs me that to do so would blow his cover and that would have cataclysmic implications for the British economy. I am torn between doing right by you and right by the country. Please advise.
 
07. Peter Smith is the father of child A. If you do catch up with him can you ask him what he did with my AC/DC CDs?
 
08. From the dates it seems that my daughter was conceived at EuroDisney. Maybe it really is the Magic Kingdom.
 
09. So much about that night is a blur. The only thing that I remember for sure is Delia Smith did a program about eggs earlier in the evening. If I'd have stayed in and watched more TV rather than going to the party at 146 Miller Drive, mine might have remained unfertilized.
  
AND THE WINNER!!!!!: You really have to love it when a complex problem gets reduced to easy to understand philosophical thinking such as this.

10. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my baby, after all when you eat a can of beans you can't be sure which one made you fart.

oops, double post  ops:

Eck said

oops, double post  ops:

Your joke talent has slipped eck :dontknow:

X said

Eck said

oops, double post  ops:

Your joke talent has slipped eck :dontknow:

I think we need another to make up fot it!!

jonnymk1 said

X said

Eck said

oops, double post  ops:

Your joke talent has slipped eck :dontknow:

I think we need another to make up fot it!!

A man is up in court for murdering his family.

The prosecuter says to him "It is alleged that you murdered your wife by beating her to death with a hammer"

At that moment, a voice from the visitors gallery says "B*****D!".The judge shouts "Silence in court!"

The prosecuter goes on "It is also alleged you killed your children by also beating them with the same hammer".

Voice from the gallery shouts again "You ass***e!".Judge shouts "Silence - I will tolerate no more outbursts in my court!"

Prosecuter carries on "And finally it is alleged that the same hammer was used by you to murder your grandmother".

Voice from the gallery shouts " You w****r!". Judge says "Bailiff, bring that man down here, I will not have this behavious in my courtroom!".

The man is brought down in front of the judge. The judge says "Now look here, I know this case is very distressing, but I must ask you to refrain from any further outburts. I take it you are related to the deceased in some way?"

The man replies "No, your honour. Thing is, I lived next door to this man for 30 years, and every time I asked him could I borrow a hammer he said he didn't have one!"

^

After her success in the junior UK hide and seek championships, Shannon Mathews will now try her luck abroad by taking on current European champion Madeline Mcann

Children's Science Exam

If you need a laugh, read through these Children's Science Exam Answers. These are real answers given by children.

Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large
pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.

Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?
A: Keep it in the cow.

Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?
A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon,and nature hates a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.

Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.

Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.

Q: What ha! ppens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.

Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A: Premature death.

Q: What is artificial insemination?
A: When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow.

Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized? ( e.g., abdomen ) .
A: The body is consisted into three parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain; the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels, A, E, I, O, and U.

Q: What is the fibula?
A: A small lie.

Q: What does "varicose" mean?
A: Nearby.

Q: Give the meaning of the term "Caesarian Section"
A: The Caesarean Section is a district in Rome.

Q: What does the word "benign" mean?'
A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.

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There are only 10 times in history where the 'F' word

has been considered acceptable to use:

  

  

10. 'What the F……do you mean we are sinking?'

       Capt. E. J. Smith of RMS Titanic, 1912

 

  9. 'What the F……was that?'

       Mayor of Hiroshima , 1945

 

  8. 'Where did all those F……ing indians come from?

       Custer, 1877

 

  7. 'Any F……ing idiot could understand that.'

       Einstein, 1938

 

  6. 'It does so F……ing look like her!'

       Picasso, 1926

 

  5. 'You want WHAT on the F……ing ceiling?'

       Michelangelo, 1566

 

  4. 'Where the F……are we?'

       Amelia Earhart, 1937

 

  3. 'Scattered F……ing showers, my ass!'

       Noah, 4314 BC

 

  2. 'Aw c'mon.   Who the F……is going to find out?'  

       Bill Clinton, 1999

 

#1. 'Geez, I didn't think they'd get this F……ing mad.'

        Sadaam Hussein, 2003

I went to the doctors the other day.

He said, "You've got hypochondria."

I said, "Not that as well."

A Russian, an American, and a Irishman were talking about how good there countries were.

The Russian said, "we were the first in space!"

The American said, "we were the first on the moon!"

The Irishman said, "so what? We're going to be the first on the sun!"

The Russian shook his head and said, "you can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!"

To which the Irishman replied, "we're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!"

One night a wife found her husband standing over the baby's cot.
Silently she watched him. As he stood looking down at the sleeping infant, she saw on his face a mixture of emotions: disbelief, doubt, delight, amazement, enchantment, scepticism.
Touched by this unusual display and the deep emotions it aroused, with eyes glistening she slipped her arm around her husband, " A penny for your thoughts," she said.
"It's amazing," he replied. "I just can't see how Argos can sell a cot like this for only 39 pounds 99"

Went to the pet shop today for food for the bird table.
I said to the bloke, "have you got fat balls?"
He said, "no, it's just the way I'm sat."

NEWSFLASH:
 
Japanese scientists have created a camera with such a fast shutter speed, they now can photograph a woman with her mouth shut