Tell Jokes!

'IF FA Cup ties were won on effort and commitment then Burnley would be in the fourth round draw.'

'But despite a tremendous performance - in which the Clarets took the game to Arsenal for long periods, even after going down to 10 men early in the second half - it just wasn't enough to prevent them slipping to a 2-0 defeat at Turf Moor.'

'Despite going in at half time 1-0 down, Coyle would have been delighted with his side's performance. The Clarets did more than enough to give Arsene Wenger food for thought - and even stepped up their game after the restart.'

'But it wasn't to be and the Clarets, who can be rightly proud of their performance against their more illustrious Premiership visitors, went out of the FA Cup with their heads held high.'

 mate they were average, against a severely depleted gooners side,

If cup ties were won on effort?……….BUT THERE NOT so  2-0 it is then

Dont try the old i know loads about football route again, you sound like Ron Manager

 "oooh jumpers for goal posts, isnt it, small boys in the park, rush goalie"

you were still a twinkle when i was watching football matches that included the likes of kevin keegan, terry butcher, glenn hoddle, ozzie ardilles, steve archibald etc etc just coz i dont go every week and prefer my rugby dont mean im ignorant to whats a good team and whats a beating

I am a Totenham fan as well so i certainly have no aligence to "spit" Arsenal, and the yids are used to being the nearly boys


You got battered by some 3rd stringers………face it,

Burnley = going no where fast

give it up mate….

I hear the netball tournament is starting soon?  

Listen we are gonna have to agree to dis agree but not for one minute am i settling for battered by a 3rd string side or whatever, thats utter rubbish

:lmao:  sports writers poetic licence……cover it in honey….big em up………it still says 2-0 in the paper today

isnt this suposed to be about jokes?? :?

i like to think so yeah, post a joke happyboy  

Topoftherange said

 Burnley trying to play football……..thats the best joke ever :wink:

^ I did

next

here's a good one




seperated at birth?

like micheal and latoyah? never seen em together have you?

ok congrats wooders is a clever boy, same goes for his sidekick topoftherange, you two really are funny…

I dont really want this post to go off topic just like all my other ones b'cos people like to take things abit far

this has had more views than any other post on the page, lets keep it just like it has been for the other 18 pages, dedicated to universal jokes..

not comparing me to some gimpy 'wooden' character.

 ok ok back on topic

This bloke has offered me 8 venison legs…..he wants ?50


does that sound like its 2 dear?




Ba boom cha

or…………


I bought a teddy bear yesterday for ?10………i named it mohamed and sold it for ?20


does that mean i have made a prophet?

In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods.

On a Sears hairdryer – Do not use while sleeping. (Darn, and that's the only time I have to work on my hair).

On a bag of Fritos – You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. (the shoplifter special)?

On a bar of Dial soap – "Directions: Use like regular soap." (and that would be how???…..)

On some Swanson frozen dinners – "Serving suggestion: Defrost." (but, it's "just" a suggestion).

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom) – "Do not turn upside down." (well…duh, a bit late, huh)!

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding - "Product will be hot after heating." (…and you thought????….)

On packaging for a Rowenta iron – "Do not iron clothes on body." (but wouldn't this save me more time)?

On Boot's Children Cough Medicine – "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication." (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.)

On Nytol Sleep Aid – "Warning: May cause drowsiness…" (and…I'm taking this because???….)

On most brands of Christmas lights – "For indoor or outdoor use only." (as opposed to…what)?

On a Japanese food processor – "Not to be used for the other use." (now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)

On Sainsbury's peanuts – "Warning: contains nuts." (talk about a news flash)

On an American Airlines packet of nuts – "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts." (Step 3: maybe, uh…fly Delta?)

On a child's Superman costume – "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly." (I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.)

On a Swedish chainsaw – "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands

There was a blonde who found herself sitting next to a Lawyer on an airplane. The lawyer just kept bugging the blonde wanting her to play a game of intelligence. Finally, the lawyer offered her 10 to 1 odds, and said every time the blonde could not answer one of his questions, she owed him $5, but every time he could not answer hers, he'd give her $50.00. The lawyer figured he could not lose, and the blonde reluctantly accepted.

The lawyer first asked, "What is the distance between the Earth and the nearest star?"

Without saying a word the blonde handed him $5. then the blonde asked, "What goes up a hill with 3 legs and comes back down the hill with 4 legs?"

Well, the lawyer looked puzzled. He took several hours, looking up everything he could on his laptop and even placing numerous air-to-ground phone calls trying to find the answer. Finally, angry and frustrated, he gave up and paid the blonde $50.00

The blonde put the $50 into her purse without comment, but the lawyer insisted, "What is the answer to your question?"

Without saying a word, the blonde handed him $5.

i like the ones above !! lol

two sausages in a pan
first sausage says " bloody hell its hot in here"
second sausage says" bugger me a talking sausage" !!!

mk1_mason said

i like the ones above !! lol

two sausages in a pan
first sausage says " bloody hell its hot in here"
second sausage says" bugger me a talking sausage" !!!

:lmao: awesome!

Actual headlines collected from local, national, and international newspapers that are rather ambiguous. It is clear what the writer was trying to say, but in each case there is a funnier interpretation of the headline. Enjoy!

Eye Drops Off Shelf

Prostitutes Appeal to Pope

Kids Make Nutritious Snacks

Queen Mary Having Bottom Scraped

Dealers Will Hear Car Talk at Noon

Milk Drinkers are Turning to Powder

Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant

Panda Mating Fails; Veterninarian Takes Over

Two Sisters Reunited After 18 Years at Checkout Counter

Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft

Include Your Children When Baking Cookies

Old School Pillars are Replaced by Alumni

Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors

Lawmen From Mexico Barbeque Guests

Two Soviet Ships Collide, One Dies

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge

Iraqi Head Seeks Arms

Hershey Bars Protest

A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks you're stupid, stand up!"

After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?"

"No, miss, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"