Tell Jokes!

Harold is 92 and lives in a senior citizen home. Every night after dinner, Harold goes to a secluded garden behind the Center to sit, smoke a cigar, listen to music, ponder his accomplishments and reflect on his long life.
One evening, Mildred, age 86, wanders into the garden. They begin to chat, and before they know it, several hours had passed. After a short lull in their conversation, Harold turns to Mildred asks, 'Do you know what I miss most of all? She asks, 'What?'
SEX!!' he replies.
Mildred exclaims, 'Why you old fart, you couldn't get it up if I held a gun to your head!'

'I know,' Harold says, 'but it would be nice if a woman could just hold it for a while.'

'Well, I can oblige,' says Mildred, who unzips his trousers, removes his manhood and proceeds to hold it. Afterward, they agree to meet secretly each night in the garden where they would sit and talk and Mildred would hold Harold's manhood.  

 Then, one night, Harold didn't show up at their usual meeting place.
Alarmed, Mildred decided to find Harold and make sure he was OK. She walked around the senior citizen home where she found him sitting by the pool with another female resident, Ethel, who was holding Harold's manhood!   
Furious, Mildred yelled, 'You two-timing B@s***d! —– What does Ethel l have that I don't have?'

Old Harold smiled happily and replied, 'Parkinson's…

20 THINGS YOU CAN ONLY SAY AT CHRISTMAS

1 I prefer breasts to legs.

2 Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.

3 Smother the butter all over the breasts.

4 If I don't undo my trousers, I'll burst!

5 I've never seen a better spread!

6 I fancy a little dark meat for a change.

7 Are you ready for seconds yet?

8 It's a little dry, do you still want to eat it?

9 Just wait your turn, you'll get some!

10 Don't play with your meat!

11 Stuff it up between the legs as far as it will go.

12 Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once?

13 I didn't expect everyone to come at the same time!

14 You still have a little bit on your chin.

15 How long will it take after you put it in?

16 You'll know it's ready when it pops up.

17 Just pull the end and wait for the bang.

18 That's the biggest bird I've ever had!

19 I'm so full, I've been gobbling nuts all morning.

20 Wow, I didn't think I could handle all that and still want more!

         

hilarious         !!!

Bump      

I bet alot of people have heard this, just think its fair good;

There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half of an hour.

Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man cry."

"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police said that they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away."

"I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison."
____________________________________________________________
_

PATIENT: "Doctor, I've got a strawberry stuck up my bum."
DOCTOR: "I've got some cream for that."
____________________________________________________________
_

A man meets a woman at a bar and they go to her place. They're undressing and he drops his trousers. She points to his messed up knees and asks what happened. He says 'when I was young I contracted kneesles'. She says 'you mean measles'. He says 'no, I actually got kneesles'. She shrugs and continues undressing. When he removes his socks she looks at his sorry toes and asks about them. He says 'shortly after the kneesles, I contracted toelio'. She says 'you mean polio?'. He says 'no, I got toelio'. She shrugs it off, until he drops his shorts. She looks again and says 'don't tell me - smallcox'.
____________________________________________________________
_


Not the best but someone must have a few new ones?

 

harry potter stories are so far fetched . i mean i can buy the fact that magic exist , maybe even unicorns but have u ever seen a ginger kid with two mates

scouse said

harry potter stories are so far fetched . i mean i can buy the fact that magic exist , maybe even unicorns but have u ever seen a ginger kid with two mates

I'm gonna tell that in the pub tonight.

………Yeah I know its late goin' at 10!

just bought a liverpool fc calender
typical. all the windows are boarded up
and some buggers nicked all  the chocolates!!!!!

             

 

 

 :posh:

MK1_Arron said

 

 

 :posh:

 :tlc:

this bloke goes into the barbers with a disasterous waddle top and the barber says 'hello big nose'

Car Mechanics for Blondes:

Not to be read by blondes or those offended by blonde jokes…

A few days ago I was having some work done at my local garage. A blonde came in and asked for a seven-hundred-ten.

We all looked at each other and another customer asked, 'What is a seven-hundred-ten?'

She replied, 'You know, the little piece in the middle of the engine, I have lost it and need a new one..' She said that she did not know exactly what it was, but this piece had always been there.

The mechanic gave her a piece of paper and a pen and asked her to draw what the piece looked like.

She drew a circle and in the middle of it wrote 710.

He then took her over to another car which had its hood up and asked 'is there a 710 on this car?'

She pointed and said, 'Of course, its right there.'

If you're not sure what a 710 is………

wooders said

this bloke goes into the barbers with a disasterous waddle top and the barber says 'hello big nose'

 :scratch:

 Burnley trying to play football……..thats the best joke ever :wink:

did you watch the game today?

I sure hope you didnt because if you did, thats probably the silliest thing you've ever said

 yeah i did watch it………….and against Arsenals 3rd/youth team they lost 2-0 which makes them LOOOOOOOOOOSERS


why what game did you watch then?

you're obviously clueless about football or just poking me in the ribs as paul would say

because it wasnt even arsenals youth side, they where missing fabregas and flamini. Cant think who else was missing from the first team, Gallas maybe?

And Burnley did play well, if Lafferty's header in the first ten minutes or so would have gone in instead of hitting the bar, robbie blake and chris mcann put the ball in the net instead of blasting it over from about 6 yards it would of been an entirely different game

How many times was kiraly (burnleys keeper) called into action? probably about 3 times, 2 of them went in.. one scored by arguably the best finisher in europe at the minute. (eduardo) and nikolas bendtner is no slouch either.

Burnley had a man sent off and still pushed forward playing some great football.

Stop embarrasing yourself