Tell Jokes!

what you call a gay dinosaur?
MEGA-SORE-ASS

vet tells paddy all the cows on his farm have blue tongue.

 'bejeese! oi didn't even know they had mobile phones'

An airline captain was breaking in a new blonde stewardess. The route they were flying had a layover in another city. Upon their arrival, the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight.

The next morning, as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened. She answered the phone, crying, and said she couldn't get out of her room. "

You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked, "Why not?"

The stewardess replied: "There are only three doors in here," she sobbed, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!"


HOW TO BE POLITICALLY CORRECT ABOUT MEN

He does not have a FAT BEER GUT - He has developed a LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY.

He is not a CRAP DANCER - He is OVERLY CAUCASIAN.

He does not GET LOST ALL THE TIME - He INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.

He does not SLEEP AROUND - He is HORIZONTALLY OVER-GENEROUS.

He is not BALDING - He is in FOLLICLE REGRESSION.

He is not a CRADLE SNATCHER - He prefers GENERATIONALLY DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS.

He does not get FALLING-DOWN DRUNK - He becomes ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL.

He is not a MALE CHAUVINIST PIG - He is a SWINE EMPATHIZING BIGOT.

He is not afraid of COMMITMENT - He is MONOGAMOUSLY CHALLENGED.

He does not STINK - He has HYGIENE AVERSION SYNDROME.

He is not a GROPING PERVERT - He suffers from COMPULSIVE HAND MOVEMENT DISORDER.

He is not OBSESSED WITH TELEVISED SPORTS - He has AN ATHLETIC TELEVISUAL ADDICTION.

He does not IGNORE YOU - He has ATTENTION SPAN DEFICIT DISORDER.

He is not a LAZY, MESSY SLOB - He LACKS HAND-VACUUM COORDINATION.

He does not tell ENDLESS, BORING, UNFUNNY JOKES - He is HUMORLY OVER-CONFIDENT.

He does not act like a TOTAL ASS - He develops a case of RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION.


ITS A MANS WORLD

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.

Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford
a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.

Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.

How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me…"

How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.

Why do men break wind more than women? Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.

If your dog is barking at the back door
and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.

What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman that won't do what she's told.

I married Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.

I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months:
I don't like to interrupt her.

Scientists have discovered a food
that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%.
It's called a Wedding Cake.

Marriage is a 3-ring circus:
Engagement Ring, Wedding Ring, Suffering.

Our last fight was my fault:
My wife asked me "What's on the TV?"
I said, "Dust!"

In the beginning, God created the earth and rested. Then God created Man and rested. Then God created Woman. Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.

Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.

A beggar walked up to a well-dressed woman shopping on Rodeo Drive and said,
"I haven't eaten anything for days."
She looked at him and said, "God, I wish I had your willpower."

Young Son: "Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?"
Dad: That happens in every country, son.

A man inserted an advertisement in the classified: "Wife Wanted."
The next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing:
"You can have mine."

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected:

a half-gallon of 2% milk,
a carton of eggs,
a quart of orange juice,
a head of romaine lettuce,
a 2 lb. can of coffee and
a 1 lb. package of bacon.

As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier. While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, ?You must be single.?

The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict?s intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status. Curiosity getting the better of her, she said ?Well, you know what, you?re absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that??

The drunk replied, ?Cause you?re ugly.?

A lad walks in to his parents bedroom to find his Dad giving his Mum one.

The Dad laughs, throws a pillow at the lad and tells him to get out.

Hours later the Dad hears a commotion coming from the lads bedroom.

He enters the bedroom to find the lad giving his Nanna one!!

The Dad looks horrified.

'Not so funny when its YOUR Mum is it?' says the lad

:twisted:

This Post Can Make My Day Love The Male Chauvanist Jokes hahahah

Im Starting A Patition To Get This Thread On A Sticky Thingy!

All Those In Favour… Step Forward And Let Your Voices Be Heard!

GUY IN BAR BUYS A PINT THEN TAKES OUT A PHOTO FROM HIS TOP POCKET LOOKS AT IT THEN PUTS IT BACK . HE DOES THIS EVERY TIME HE HAS PINT AFTER  8  PINTS BARMAN ASK  WHY , HE REPLYS " ITS A PICTURE OF THE WIFE  AND  WHEN SHE LOOKS GOOD ENOUGH TO …. I,LL GO HOME

Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had  given  their
new wives duties. George had married a woman from America, and bragged that
he had told his wife she was going to do all the dishes and house cleaning
that needed done at their house.

He said that it took a couple days but on the third day he came home to a
clean house and the dishes were all washed and put away.

Jimmie had married a woman from Canada. He bragged that he had given his
wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking.

He told them that the first day he didn't see any results, but the next day
it was better. By the third day, his house was clean, the dishes were done,
and he had a
huge dinner on the table.

The third man had married an English girl. He boasted that he told that her
duties were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed,lawn mowed, laundry
washed and hot meals on the table for every meal.

He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see
anything, but by the third day most of the swelling had gone down and he
could see a little out of his left eye. Enough to fix himself a bite to eat,
load the dishwasher, and call a landscaper.

God Bless English Women!

Dont know if this one has already been done, i just hooked onto the last page but here goes:

a group of friends go into a MacDonalds resaurant and sit down opposite an old couple who have already started their meal. one of the friends watches the couple, the lady takes a bite of a hamburger and puts it down to chew, the man takes a sip of the drink.

Seeing this, the yound friend says to the couple, i hate to see you sharing a meal, let me buy you another one. The woman responds saying "no no, its ok, we share everything" so the young man turns around.

about ten minutes later, the couple are still doing the same, the woman takes a small bite of the burger, the man another sip of the drink. The young man, in disbelief faces the couple again and asks "can i be so bold and ask why youre doing this.. sharing a meal?"

To which the man says: "like she said, we share everything, and its my turn with the teeth in a minute"

 :doh: useless joke but there you go, one of my favourites









another quick one:..


whats the tragedy of 4 council estate kids going over a cliff in a vauxhall nova?







…








…








you could have fit 5 in!

> It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack says as he
> stepped out of the shower . " Honey, what do you think the neighbours
> would think if I mowed the lawn like this?"
> "Probably that I married you for your money," she replied.


  :dontknow:  :dontknow:  :dontknow:  :dontknow:  :dontknow:  :dontknow:

A couple is lying in bed. The man says,
> "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world."
> The woman replies, "I'll miss you…"
                           

WHY DO MEN BECOME SMARTER DURING SEX?
> (because they are plugged into a genius)

WHY DON'T WOMEN BLINK DURING SEX?
> (they don't have enough time)

WHY WERE MEN GIVEN LARGER BRAINS THAN DOGS?
> (so they won't hump women's legs at cocktails parties )

WHY DID GOD MAKE MEN BEFORE WOMEN?
> (you need a rough draft before you make a final copy)

HOW MANY MEN DOES IT TAKE TO PUT A TOILET SEAT DOWN?
> (don't know, it never happened)

sexist jokes just dont work when theyre about men. (maybe coz women aint bright enough to make em funny)!  :wink:  :lmao:  :lmao:

A stranger to Glasgow met his pal at the station. It was obvious that someone had recently punched his face.
His pal asked, "What on earth happened to you then?"
The chap replied, "I've no idea why, but a barmaid just belted me in the face! I was just killing a bit of time in a pub and my luggage bag was in the way, so I asked the barman if he would mind keeping it behind the bar. He was happy to do this.
When I went back to collect it later, this barmaid was on duty. All I said to her was, 'Any chance of getting my holdall?

wooders said

'Any chance of getting my holdall?'

HAHHAAHAHHAHAHAHA! !! ! ! ! ! !  ! !

hilarious

At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly
compared the computer industry with the automobile industry

and stated,

'If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry
has, we would all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the
gallon.'

In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press
release stating:

If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be
driving cars with the following characteristics:


1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash…….
Twice a day.


2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would
have to buy a new car.


3 Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason.
You would have to pull to the side of the road, close all of the
windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before
you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.


4. Occasionally, executing a simple manoeuvre such as a left turn,  

your car would shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you
would have to reinstall the engine.


5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was
reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would
run on only five percent of the roads.


6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all

be replaced by a single 'This Car Has Performed An Illegal
Operation' warning light.


7. The airbag system would ask 'Are you sure?' before
deploying.


8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock
you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the
door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.


9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to
learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would
operate in the same manner as the old car.


10. You'd have to press the ' Start' button to turn the engine
off.

Anji said

5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was
reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would
run on only five percent of the roads.

Yay for Macs (im on one)  :cheer:  :y:  :dance:  :clap:  :notworthy:  

Ok.Old one but a good one.
A guy goes out hunting,and whilst sitting on top of a hill he spots a bear in between some bushes.He takes aim with his rifle and shoots.Then he runs to the bushes to see his kill.
When he gets there,he finds nothing.He gets a tap on his shoulder and turns round to see an irate bear.The bear says….
"you nearly got me there!Now you've got 2 choices,"The bear shows its huge teeth and claws,"either I rip your face off or I have a little bit of fun and do you up the bum."
The man agrees up the bum is better than death and opts for it.
Next day,walking a bit bandy,the hunter returns with a bazooka and spots the same bear.He takes a big shot,and runs down to the bushes.
(predictably!)He gets a tap on his shoulder and its the bear,this time really cheesed of.The bear says;
"You again!This time you choose between me ripping you face off,or up the bum from me,and the rest of the bears here!"And with that,another 10 bears appear,all looking a bit horny…As you can imagine,the hunter thinks it'd be better to live and gets the same treatment off all the bears.
Next day,same hill,the hunter,walking like Jon Wayne,turns up very angry with anti tank missiles,cannons,sherman tank etc.Spots the bear and gives it all he's got,obliterating the bushes.Ha!he shouts,and gingerly runs down to the now wrecked bushes.
When he gets there,he feels a gentle tap on his shoulder.He turns round and sees 45 bears,10 tigers and 4 gorrilas,all looking horny.Then the bear says……..






"Not really here for the hunting,are we sunshine.!

Apparently, micheal owen and wayne rooney are in the running for the nick name "Tampax"

 

in for a week out for 3??