DjEv has lost his laugh!

Dj Ev has lost his laugh! This is a trajedy because if you saw the sorry state of his car you would realise that his laugh was the only thing he had going for him!! Ok guys and galls! Best joke please to help him through this harrowing time! Ok let me start!
Have you heard about the new weightwatchers bread they use in church for mass?……It's called "I can't believe it's not Jesus!"  

A women standing naked, looks in the bedroom mirror and says to her husband
"I look horrible, fat and ugly - pay me a compliment!"


the husband replies "Your eyesight is spot on!"

I cant think of any clean jokes, so have a pic instead! :wink:

I got asked to enter a race for charity the other day and I thought no way, then they told me it was for sick children and I thought damn, I could win this.

I took up rock climbing, I was up there for 20 minutes and I thought I'd gone completely deaf…the wife had fallen off.

Peter.

Did you know you can now get Viagra in eye drops!! Does nothing for your sex life, it just makes you look hard!!  Ba dum tish!!  

A bass drum, tom-tom and a high-hat fall out a window…..


































….. Ba Dum Tisch.  

Sweet Jesus Blackie! We're all gonna lose our laugh at this rate! Come on son!! You can do better than that!  8O

OK, what's worse than a girl guide in your pockets???





















A brownie in your pants of course!!!

Whats the difference between a cheap slapper in a nightclub and a washing machine?



















You can dump your load in a washing machine and it doesn't follow you around for two weeks.

I smirkin, not laughin

Not only has he lost his laugh, he has become more viscious and poisonous than you could possibly imagine! Help me pull him back from the dark side!  :starwars:

Leave me alone :posh:
Its more fun been nasty :twisted:
Look at Simon Cowell, he's makin a mint.

A bear and a rabbit was in the woods having a poo. The bear turns to the rabbit and asks. 'Do you ever have trouble with poo sticking to your fur'.
The rabbit replied 'No'. So the bear wiped is ass with the rabbit..

I think we need another post "DjEv has lost his sense of humour too!" That must be the latest one going round The Grange nursing home!  

OK i was sent these cos my mate reckons i am a woman how can handle the truth………… he will be out of hospital soon lol

How many men does it take to open a beer ??

none she should open it before she brings it to you………….

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why is the laundrette a bad place to pick up women ??

because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will never be able to support you..

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How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart ??

when she starts her sentence with "a man once told me….."

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How do you fix a womans watch ??

You don't she can use the clock on the oven…………

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Why do men fart more than women ??

because women can't shut up long enought to build up the required pressure………………….

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You dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door……. who do you let in first ??

The dog of course, at least he will shut up once you let him in……..

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Whats worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig??

A woman who won't do as she is told……….

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Scientists have discovered a food that diminished a womans sex drive by 90%

its called wedding cake…………………..

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Why do men die before their wives ??

cos they want too…………………..

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Women will never be equal to men till they can walk down the road with a bald head and a beer gut and still think they are sexy !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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thats my best effort……….and apologise to all the other girls

 :cheer:  mandy

I don't know about DJ but I'm laughing!

   :lmao:

Good effort Mandy! Now go and get the tea on! Do you think you can handle that pet?  

1 or 2 sugars……………………. :naughty:

actually you can go make mine……………. i need a new toy boy, nice and strong for me, and no sugar i am sweet enough…….. :cheer:

Stolent from another thread:

A bunch of one-liners!

I saw Lee Majors the bionic man the other day - he looked a million dollars. He's really let himself go…

Is it fair to say that there'd be less litter in Britain if blind people were given pointed sticks?

Q: Who are the most decent people in the hospital?
A: The ultrasound people.

A lady with a clipboard stopped me in the street the other day.. She said, "Can you spare a few minutes for cancer research?" I said, "All right, but we won't get much done."

We have our own local version of Big Brother round my way. It's called jail.

They sent flowers to the funeral. And I couldn't help thinking, if you'd sent them before, she'd have pulled through her illness.

My dad is Irish and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs.

Sleeping with prostitutes is like making your cat dance with you on its hind legs. You know it's wrong, but you try to convince yourself that they're enjoying it as well.

My dad's dying wish was to have his family around him. I can't help thinking he would have been better off with more oxygen.

You have to remember all the trivia that your girlfriend tells you, because eventually you get tested. She'll go: "What's my favourite flower?" And you murmur to yourself: "Shit, I wasn't listening … Self-raising?"

The world is a dangerous place; only yesterday I went into Boots and punched someone in the face.

Cats have nine lives. Which makes them ideal for experimentation.

I saw that show, 50 Things To Do Before You Die. I would have thought the obvious one was "Shout For Help".

Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time.

Me hot water heater's packed up so I had to fill the bath using a kettle and a load of saucepans… Mind, it was effing uncomfortable when I got in.

An American girl hit on me in a club and asked me to make her an Egyptian princess. So I threw a sheet over her head and told her to be quiet.

I like the Ten Commandments but have a problem with the ninth. It should be: "Thou shalt not covet thy neighbour's ox" - except in scrabble

I like to go into the Body Shop and shout out really loud "I've already got one!"

It's easy to distract fat people. It's a piece of cake.

I enjoy using the comedy technique of self-deprecation - but I'm not very good at it.

If you're being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, then on to a little seesaw, then jump through a hoop of fire. They're trained for that

The right to bear arms is slightly less ludicrous than the right to arm bears.

Ask people about God nowadays and they usually reply, "I'm not religious, but deep down, I'm a very spiritual person." What this phrase really means is: "I'm afraid of dying, but I can't be arsed going to church."

Two blind fellows walk into a wall.

50 Cent, or as he's called over here, approximately 29p.

I bought some bread this morning. Ciabatta? No, it was a fixed price.

There's always:

www.stuffonmycat.com

That brought a smile to my face!