Funny but clean jokes you've heard recently

Spudfingers said

Eck your making my day mate  :mrgreen: … some of these are guff but some are right gems I'm passing them off as my own in the office lol  

Most of these jokes have been on here before.  
There use to be a thread with loads of jokes, but it has mysteriously disappeared.
Trouble is, most of the jokes I know can't be shown on here  :roll:



Last night I told my wife her bum was peachy.
"Aw.." she said, "sweet and juicy?"
"No", I replied, "all hairy with a good few stones in it."

2 blonde birds walk into a building


you would of thought one would of seen it!

a man walks into a pub and orders a double vodka and downs it

straight away he orders another and downs it

he orders a 3rd and as he is about to down that one the barman says "you alright mate"

man says "you would drink like this if you had i what i had"

"whats that" the barman say

"£1.20" the man replies

what the differance between 365 comdoms and a good year tyre


well the tyre is a good year, and the comdoms are a even better year

how many electritions does it take to screw in a lightbulb…
one.

a man walks into a bar. hes an alcoholic and its tearing his family apart.

An Englishman, Irish man and a Scotsman walk into a pub. The barman says "what is this, some kind of joke?".

What's the difference between a bison and a buffalo?

You can't wash your hands in a buffalo.

What's the difference between light and hard??



I can sleep with a light on  8O

i don't see the rspca's problem,
 top cat used to live in a bin!

Venison, dear ain't it??

I've been given two weeks to live.













The wife's gone away for a fortnight.

came across this little gem while surfing the net


Q. What's the difference between a Saxo and a porcupine?
A. The pricks are on the outside of a porcupine.

since_1983 said

Q. What's the difference between a Saxo and a porcupine?
A. The pricks are on the outside of a porcupine.

haha quality    clean jokes dont tend to be funny dirtier the better i say!

was good lol,

i know what you mean by the dirtier the better, but this is an open site anyone can browse so we have to becarefull what is said, otherwise some do gooder will make fuss

I know
I'm sure they can set up a age verification bit for dirty jokes!
Sikipedia ftw!!

This is the transcript of the ACTUAL radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October 1995.Radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations 10-10-95.Canadians: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.Americans: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.Canadians: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED By THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, I SAY AGAIN, THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTERMEASURES WILLBE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call.

A landlord is just closing up his pub when there's a rap on the door…he answers it…it's a tramp who asks him for a cocktail stick. Landlord hands one over and the tramp goes away. A few seconds later there's another bang on the door. It's another tramp asking for a cocktail stick. Landlord obliges and the tramp rushes back outside. There's a third knock on the door, this time it's another tramp who asks the landlord for a straw. By now the landlord's curious what's going on and asks, 'why not a cocktail stick, what's going on out there?'
The tramp says…'well some guy's just been sick, but the best stuff's already gone!'

Ken came home from the pub late one night, drunk as a fart. He crawled into bed and gave his wife a kiss on the cheek and nodded off.

He woke up during the night, and saw a man standing at the end of his bed. ''Who the hell are you?'' he said. ''I am St Peter''.

Ken looked at him with worry and replied ''What, do you mean i've died? I can't die i'm to young, I haven't even said goodbye to my family''.

St Peter looked at him and said '' I will reincarnate you, but… only as a Dog or a Hen. Your choice.''

Ken thought to himself and decided to come back as a hen. With a flash of light he was covered in feathers and was standing next to a rooster.

''So you're the new hen then'' he said. ''Yep'' replied Ken. ''So how are you finding it?'' asked the rooster.

''Well I have got a really sharp pain in my belly, what is that?''

''You're going to lay an egg, haven't you laid an egg before?'' the rooster said.

''No never'' replied Ken. The rooster looked at him and said ''Well just relax, breath and then push''.

Sure enough out popped an egg.

Feeling quite chuffed Ken did it again and again, but on the fourth turn he felt a slap on the back of his head.

He woke up with a shock, with his wife shouting
''KEN, GET UP YOU P1SS HEAD YOUR CRAPPING IN THE BED!!!''

Anyoneknowwhatthebigbarinthemiddleofthekeyboardisfor?

Eck said

Anyoneknowwhatthebigbarinthemiddleofthekeyboardisfor?

 :mrgreen: