bye

novocaine said

how to use a haynes in the correct manner.
1. open to required chapter.
2. read all the way though.
3. flick till you find a picture that actually shows what your working on. (if your doing the carb look in the electrical section)
4. reread chapter again to see if it makes more sense
5. look at the car and try and figure out were the part actually is
6. post a question on here and slate the haynes for not being correct.
7. after doing the job re-read the chapter again to relise it is actually telling you what to do and finally understand what it wants you to do

He he.

Tian

Just kinda hijacking the thread now, but is yours a cabby specific one?

i think so, I chose it because it said it covered the 1981 GLi.  I feel a bit stupid but can't remember for certain without looking at it later!

not surprised someone got the hump..this place is really cliquey..not a good vibe for a public forum

quikclipper said

not surprised someone got the hump..this place is really cliquey..not a good vibe for a public forum

Tian

try going on a biker forum if you think this place is clicky. yes alot of the members on here have been here for a while and know the people they want to talk to but no comments are left and everyone is fair game.  :wink:

Tian you have a superiority complex, and are the worst instigator of cliqueness here.

Novocaine you cant spell. i see what your saying though, i usually use forums for information, i.e ones without 'chat 'sections..this just seems to be a constant thread of 'look at this car isnt it rubbish, arent we great'..

quikclipper said

Tian you have a superiority complex, and are the worst instigator of cliqueness here.

Novocaine you cant spell. i see what your saying though, i usually use forums for information, i.e ones without 'chat 'sections..this just seems to be a constant thread of 'look at this car isnt it rubbish, arent we great'..

that's bang out of order.

when're you writing your bye thread?

quikclipper said

Tian you have a superiority complex, and are the worst instigator of cliqueness here.

Novocaine you cant spell. i see what your saying though, i usually use forums for information, i.e ones without 'chat 'sections..this just seems to be a constant thread of 'look at this car isnt it rubbish, arent we great'..

Now I know you're not serious.

Tian :mrgreen:

novocaine said

how to use a haynes in the correct manner.
1. open to required chapter.
2. read all the way though.
3. flick till you find a picture that actually shows what your working on. (if your doing the carb look in the electrical section)
4. reread chapter again to see if it makes more sense
5. look at the car and try and figure out were the part actually is
6. post a question on here and slate the haynes for not being correct.
7. after doing the job re-read the chapter again to relise it is actually telling you what to do and finally understand what it wants you to do

Haynes Manuals : The Truth!

Haynes: Rotate anticlockwise.
Translation: Clamp with molegrips then beat repeatedly with hammer anticlockwise.

Haynes: This is a snug fit.
Translation: You will skin your knuckles.

Haynes: This is a tight fit.
Translation: Not a hope in hell.

Haynes: As described in Chapter 7…
Translation: That'll teach you not to read through before you start, now you are looking at scary photos of the inside of a gearbox.

Haynes: Pry…
Translation: Hammer a screwdriver into…

Haynes: Undo…
Translation: Go and buy a very large tin of WD40.

Haynes: Retain tiny spring…
Translation: "Jeez what was that, it nearly had my eye out"!

Haynes: Press and rotate to remove bulb…
Translation: OK - that's the glass bit off, now fetch some good pliers to dig out the bayonet part.

Haynes: Lightly…
Translation: Start off lightly and build up till the veins on your forehead are throbbing then re-check the manual because this can not be 'lightly' what you are doing now.

Haynes: Weekly checks…
Translation: If it isn't broken, don't fix it.

Haynes: Routine maintenance…
Translation: If it isn't broken, it's about to be.

Haynes: One spanner rating.
Translation: Your Mum could do this… so how did you manage to botch it up?

Haynes: Two spanner rating.
Translation: Now you may think that you can do this because two is a low, tiny, 'ickle number… but you also thought the wiring diagram was a map of the Tokyo underground (in fact that would have been more use to you).

Haynes: Three spanner rating.
Translation: But Fiesta's are easy to maintain right… right?
So you think three Fiesta spanners has got to be like a 'regular car' two spanner job.

Haynes: Four spanner rating.
Translation: You are seriously considering this aren't you, you pleb!

Haynes: Five spanner rating.
Translation: OK - but don't expect us to ride in it afterwards!!!

Haynes: If not, you can fabricate your own special tool like this…
Translation: hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!

Haynes: Compress…
Translation: Squeeze with all your might, jump up and down on, swear at, throw at the garage wall, then search in the dark corner of the garage for whilst muttering "bugger" repeatedly under your breath.

Haynes: Inspect…
Translation: Squint at really hard and pretend you know what you are looking at, then declare in a loud knowing voice to your wife "Yep, as I thought, it's going to need a new one"!

Haynes: Carefully…
Translation: You are about to cut yourself.

Haynes: Retaining nut…
Translation: Yes, that's it, that big spherical blob of rust.

Haynes: Get an assistant…
Translation: Prepare to humiliate yourself in front of someone you know.

Haynes: Turning the engine will be easier with the spark pugs removed.
Translation: However, starting the engine afterwards will be much harder.
Once that sinking pit of your stomach feeling has subsided, you can start to feel deeply ashamed as you gingerly refit the spark plugs.

Haynes: Refitting is the reverse sequence to removal.
Translation: But you swear in different places.

Haynes: Prise away plastic locating pegs…
Translation: Snap off…

Haynes: Using a suitable drift…
Translation: The biggest nail in your toolbox isn't a suitable drift.

Haynes: Everyday toolkit
Translation: Ensure you have an RAC Card & Mobile Phone.

Haynes: Apply moderate heat…
Translation: Placing your mouth near it and huffing isn't moderate heat.

Haynes: Index
Translation: List of all the things in the book bar the thing you want to do…

That Haynes business is so funny.

I got about half way down and had to stop reading. I've sent it to the whole office for their appreciation. It's a shame that I suspect that only two of them actually know what a Haynes Manual is let alone will have struggled with them for long enough to find these translations as funny as I did.

Thankyou for brightening up my day

june1800 said

Well sad to say the cab has gone wish i could say thank you for all your help but i cant i joined this site hoping to find like minded people that would help me get a georgous car up and running again i could understand if i was going to ruin the car but i was only wanting to return it to its former glory with a little help when i got stuck but apart from the odd members that did bother to help you should all be embarrassed to call yourself a club!!!!!

translation>will you come and fix it for me :roll:

jaycab said

june1800 said

Well sad to say the cab has gone wish i could say thank you for all your help but i cant i joined this site hoping to find like minded people that would help me get a georgous car up and running again i could understand if i was going to ruin the car but i was only wanting to return it to its former glory with a little help when i got stuck but apart from the odd members that did bother to help you should all be embarrassed to call yourself a club!!!!!

translation>will you come and fix it for me :roll:

LOL

novocaine said

try going on a biker forum if you think this place is clicky. yes alot of the members on here have been here for a while and know the people they want to talk to but no comments are left and everyone is fair game.  :wink:

so i'm also i member of a bike forum. mt-03 members only.
i find them equally as helpfull as this site.
 :evil:

eck is a ledgend

I dont see a post of his for ages then when I do it's a bloody corker!

How do you find all this stuff!?!!

top work eck

It's all true!

quikclipper said

not surprised someone got the hump..this place is really cliquey..not a good vibe for a public forum

 :dontknow:  WRONG TREE BARKING?

I cant see that personally, this June Bird is clearly some sort of Phsyco Bunny boiler who thought "i know i will join the club that will meraculously repair my shedder of a car for free"

well Juney babes im afraid knowledge is one thing but YOU have to supply the cold hard cash and labour to fix it!! everyone on here drives mk1`s for a reason, none of us are rich!!!!

And quickclipper Just join in the banter/chat whatever your opinion :dontknow: , i do regardless, and i like to think i am universally disliked by most  including Tian :wink:  wooders hates everyone too, sure theres a few people that know each other "off site"  but most people dont know each other from Eves Husband :wink:


Just get involved, people have to warm to you then  even if Dub74 keeps making hairdresser comments, he has a white car so its more akin to curly perms and such like

well glad to be shot of car now wouldnt want to mix with you all judging by all the immature responses i never asked for money so dont know where you pulled that one from anyway joined another club has i went and bought myself an alfa romeo 145 so see ya juney looney lol

Bye, thanks for your input into the club. No hard feelings.

xxx

good luck with the alfa,you think a vw is hard to fix…………
Bert

june1800 said

 i went and bought myself an alfa romeo 145

oh dear oh dear more rust and worse electrics than a cabby cant help but chuckle