Funny but clean jokes you've heard recently

I got offered 8 venison legs for £50 in work today. Is that 2 dear?

blans said

I got offered 8 venison legs for £50 in work today. Is that 2 dear?

That's weird…. I just told my missus this one and she actually laughed… that ones a keeper blans!!!  :wink:

"Spudfingers" said

Eck said

A guy at work asked me for a cigarette lighter.
I said, "Sure, give me your packet."
He handed over his packet and I took a cigarette out. I said, "There you go."
"What the hell is that?" he said bemused.
I replied, "It's a cigarette lighter."

Aye?  I don't get that

lol! took me while too mate!

the packet is now lighter as it has one less cigarette in it… :dontknow:

"brucieboy" said

Spudfingers said

Eck said

A guy at work asked me for a cigarette lighter.
I said, "Sure, give me your packet."
He handed over his packet and I took a cigarette out. I said, "There you go."
"What the hell is that?" he said bemused.
I replied, "It's a cigarette lighter."

Aye?  I don't get that

lol! took me while too mate!

the packet is now lighter as it has one less cigarette in it… :dontknow:

Oh god…… that's crap Eck  

only crap becuase you had to work it out, also the deer one is good

jokes like that seperate the boys from the men

so how did i get them lol

Thought this one up a while ago, I pissed my self but the Mr's wasn't impressed.


"Went into Tesco the other day to buy the new Simply Red's Greatest hits album, but decided not to buy it.









With the recession in full swing, money's too tight to mention!"

Sky News: 'Hi-Tech Gang Swipes £6m From Online Savers'

Maybe they can afford some decent trainers now.

I done a survey recently where I asked 10 women what shampoo they used in their shower….. 10/10 said "what the hell are you doing in here!!!"

You would think that, if you pulled a snail's shell off, then it would be able to move faster.
I tried it, but they seem to be more sluggish.

Edward Scissor Hands - Bet he's crap at Rock, Paper Scissors…. too predictable that's his problem… got to mix it up a bit ya see.

At a recent job interview:



What would you consider to be your main weaknesses and strengths?

Well my main weakness would be my issues with reality, telling what's real from what's not.




And your strengths?


I'm Batman.

http://www.vwgolfmk1.org.uk/modules.php?name=Forums&file=viewtopic&t=26287&highlight=accelerating

Eck said

When I was older, I used to love playing around with time machines….

:lmao:

I know these have been onhere for ages, but only just reading them all.

Love it  

Eck said

what goes round and round in circles?

Heather Mills on a pedalo

My other favourite

 :lmao:

whats got 2 legs and bleeds alot?

half a dog.


whats white and cant fly?

a fridge.

Daffy Duck on a dirty weekend calls reception & asks for condoms - receptionist says shall I put them on your bill? - "Dont be thuckin thupid I'd thuffocate!"

I tried that thing today at the petrol station where you try and stop the pump bang on what you want to pay,
but let it go a fraction too late and it stopped on £20.03.
"Bollocks!" I shouted and walked into the shop to pay.
"Unlucky, mate," smiled the attendant, who'd seen what I'd done. "Don't worry about the extra."
"Cheers, mate," I said as I handed him my tenner and legged it….

Eck said

At a recent job interview:

What would you consider to be your main weaknesses and strengths?

Well my main weakness would be my issues with reality, telling what's real from what's not.

And your strengths?

I'm Batman.

—————————————————————————–
we have quite same joke around here dat similar like this,hope will make you laugh also..: i'll try my best sharing you this joke with my poor english, pardon me for that guys hope you still gets it.. :wink:

A:"What would you consider to be your main weaknesses and strengths?"
B:"Well my main weakness is only one… 8)"
A:"good! wats dat?"..  
B:"i dont have any strength"..
A:  8O

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teacher : "Andy why do you always come with your messy hair?" :evil:
Andy     : "no comb!" :?
teacher : "than take you dad's Comb!" :evil:
Andy     : "No hair" :?
teacher  :   

---

teacher : "Andy!trow away your gum in your mouth!" :evil:
andy     : " I can't, it's not even mine, i just lent it from Timmy!" :roll:

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schools day out, theres a little girl crying in front of the school gate in front of the road..
teacher   : " hey there little girl, why do you crying about?"
little girls : " well i've been standing here for an hour and no car passing" :cry: "my teacher told me dat i could only cross the street when the car has passed" :cry:

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officer      : " hey Sir! you cant go fishing here! you will need a license to go fish here!"
fisherman : "well thank u officer, after all this time i've only used bait, never try license before, does it works?"
officer       :  8O

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A  :"have you ever once experience passat (wind) before?"
B  :"naaaa… i drive a golf"
a  :  8O

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Lecturer : " you r late!" :evil:
Student  : " well, sir, yesterday you told me yer self dat there's never too late to study"

---

Lecturer : "you r late again!!" :evil:
Student  : " jeah, coz i drive my car to campus Sir"
Lecturer  : " when you drive your car, you should get here earlier, wat kind of excuses is dat?" :evil:
Student  : " but the campus regulation says dat i could only do 20km/h, Sir"
Lecturer  :  

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Whats got one wheel and flies











A wheelbarrow full of poo

Whats ET short for?











Because he's got small legs…