Tell us the latest **clean** joke you heard

I heard this earlier and even though it made me cringe, it still tickled me…

Why was the computer nerd fat? Because he always accepts cookies…

I'll get my coat…

You seen the title, it's a family forum, lets not take this too far!

Nice one Si

Two peanuts walking down the road

one was a salted  !!

Assaulted get it lolololol !!!


Another one , why did the boy take a ladder to school ????

Because it was a high school !! lolololol


One more

Whats the fastest milk in the world ????

pasteurised

get it ? past ur eyes , lolololol

Haha oh dear Sanj, you should of gone to that meet tonight, you're obviously bored lol!

What's the fastest cake in the world? Scone.. cause it's gone…

I know lol , going crazy having a ready to roll Mk1 golf in the garage but poxy rain keeping me from driving it !

The pain its unbearable lol

Did you hear about the new Corduroy pillows?

They are making headlines everywhere!

Whats' E.T. Short for?

Because he's got little legs!  

Haha oh dear, what have I started!

The corduroy one was actually quite good

This is one of my favourite jokes;

The was was a young boy who lived on a farm who LOVED tractors. He was obsessed; Tractor wall paper, tractor toys, tractor games, tractor magazines, anything to do with tractors, you name it he had it!

He grew up on the farm learning the ways and eventually learning to drive tractors for a living.

However one day whilst he was working away on the farm with his tractor, he had a horrific accident, crashing his tractor into all his livestock. He was DEVASTATED. and couldn't bare hear the word tractor, let alone see them.

He destroyed all his tractor memorabilia, sold his farm and moved into the city.

A month after moving he was out one night at a bar with a beautiful woman, they got talking and really hit it off. After a while she asked if they could leave as it was getting rather smokey in the bar and she wasn't feeling her best.  "hold on a second" he said, and he took a huge breath in, and astonishingly cleared the bar of all smoke.

"WOW! How did you do that?" she asked.

"Well im an Ex-Tractor Fan"         

Haha I don't even need to read further than one line to know that joke, it's good though!

Just thought of another..

Two sausages are sizzling in a pan, one sausage turns to the other says says 'wow, it's hot in here isn't it…' the other turns to him and says 'ARGHHHHHH A TALKING SAUSAGE'

Rubbadubdub said

This is one of my favourite jokes;

The was was a young boy who lived on a farm who LOVED tractors. He was obsessed; Tractor wall paper, tractor toys, tractor games, tractor magazines, anything to do with tractors, you name it he had it!

He grew up on the farm learning the ways and eventually learning to drive tractors for a living.

However one day whilst he was working away on the farm with his tractor, he had a horrific accident, crashing his tractor into all his livestock. He was DEVASTATED. and couldn't bare hear the word tractor, let alone see them.

He destroyed all his tractor memorabilia, sold his farm and moved into the city.

A month after moving he was out one night at a bar with a beautiful woman, they got talking and really hit it off. After a while she asked if they could leave as it was getting rather smokey in the bar and she wasn't feeling her best.  "hold on a second" he said, and he took a huge breath in, and astonishingly cleared the bar of all smoke.

"WOW! How did you do that?" she asked.

"Well im an Ex-Tractor Fan"         

       I can't stop giggling at that!

36thCrazyFist said

Haha I don't even need to read further than one line to know that joke, it's good though!

Just thought of another..

Two sausages are sizzling in a pan, one sausage turns to the other says says 'wow, it's hot in here isn't it…' the other turns to him and says 'ARGHHHHHH A TALKING SAUSAGE'

Si, don't give up your day job mate!    

Haha I wont Mike, got another couple though…

Who is the coolest guy in the hospital?

The ultrasound guy

Who is the coolest when he's off sick?

The hip replacement guy

haha love those!

Did you hear about the magic tractor?

It drove down the road and turned into a field

Vatican declares official 'miracle' after Audi driver indicates before lane change

Audi A4 indicating miracle

Vatican officials are this morning on the verge of declaring a new saint after witnesses claimed an Audi A4 indicated before pulling out into the fast lane on the M4 during today's rush hour.

The miraculous incident was not caught on camera, leading many to question its authenticity.

Atheist Simon Williams told us, "Why do the Catholic church always leap to God as a way to explain the unexplainable?"

"There are plenty of perfectly legitimate explanations for this mornings unusual occurrence. Loads."

"I mean, it could have been a simple trick of the light. Or a fault in the car itself, or maybe even water in the electrics, it was raining heavily I believe."

"I just think that giving God credit for an Audi that indicates dismisses too many far more plausible reasons for it to happen."


Theologians at the Vatican however have begun the search for a suitable Saint to take credit for what is being hailed inside the church as "the miracle of the Audi lights"

Father Padraig Matthews told us, "it is important that we give heavenly credit for the miracles that present themselves to us, and so a suitable Saint must be found."

"They obviously move in mysterious ways, and like cars, so we're thinking 'Saint Jeremy Clarkson'. But I hear he's still alive, at least until Argentina gets its hands on him."

"So we'll just keep looking for now."

The final word went to Audi driver Mike James who told us, "Sorry about all the fuss, I just thought I was turning the windscreen wipers on."

    

Thanks for that Andy, just what I needed this morning!  

I got rid of my Hoover last week.

It was just collecting dust

I haven't got any!  

A woman walks into a bar and asks the barman for a double
entendre. So he gave her one

lol what have you stated Si !!!! Loving these keep them coming who knew us mk1 guys were so funny !!!!

Next meet we should do a stand up comedy award lol

Haha, Andy! I'm gonna send that to Kelvin (runs audis in the park show)

Keep them coming guys